April 13 & 14: Mark Leiren-Young

April 13 & 14: Emergency Preparedness

Mark Leiren-Young

CHARACTERS:

Minister of Pipelines
Reporter

Emergency Preparedness

The Minister of Pipelines interviewed by an enthusiastic young reporter…

Minister of Pipelines: Nothing will go wrong.

Reporter: But what if something goes wrong.

Minister of Pipelines: Nothing can go wrong.

Reporter: But if anything goes wrong.

Minister of Pipelines: If anything goes wrong we call the Coast Guard. Canada has the best coast guard in the world. If we have any spills at all we just call in the Coast Guard.

Reporter: And where are they now?

The minister checks her cell phone.

Minister of Pipelines: Nova Scotia.

Reporter: Nova Scotia?

Minister of Pipelines: (still checking cell phone) Vancouver Centre. Voted Liberal. Vancouver Island. NDP. Gulf Islands. Green. And have you seen that hippie Mayor in Vancouver? Yep. Nova Scotia.

Reporter: So how long will it take the Coast Guard to respond?

Minister of Pipelines: They’ll respomd immediately.

Reporter: From Nova Scotia?

Minister of Pipelines: Absolutely.

Reporter: And what will their response be?

Minister of Pipelines: Probably something like: “We’re in Nova Scotia – what the hell do you expect us to do about it?”

Reporter: So if there’s an accident?

Minister of Pipelines: There won’t be an accident.

Reporter: But what about the accident the other day? The spill in English Bay had to be cleaned up by volunteers.

Minister of Pipelines: Not the same thing at all.

Reporter: Why not?

Minister of Pipelines: Becuse if there was a real spill there’s no way volunteers could handle it. Do you know how serious a real spill would be?

Reporter: So who could handle it?

Minister of Pipelines: The Coast Guard in Newfoundland. They’ve got oil in Newfoundland too, you know.

Reporter: So how long would it take them to respond?

Minister of Pipelines: They’d definitely respond immmediately.

Reporter: And what would their response be?

Minister of Pipelines: Probably something like: We’re in St. John’s boy, what the hell do you expect us to do about it?

Blackout.

END.