February 12 & 13: Radha Menon

February 12 & 13: Monkey Man

Radha Menon

CHARACTERS:

MONKEYMAN
TWIN WOODPECKERS
2 COWS
BULLMAN
2 PIGMEN

NOTES:

~ denotes the point of interruption

Monkey Man

The future. Hyde Park Corner, London.

SCENE

An animated, bespectacled MONKEYMAN wearing saffron robes stands upon a soapbox.

He speaks fervently to all the ANIMALS, HUMANS and mixed SPECIES around him.

MONKEYMAN: If we fail to act there will be no chance in the future… because there will be no future. Our homes are toxic, our young are born bent up, barren or blind.

PAUSE.

We are fed poison but we lap it up like stray dogs
No offense to all the sweet pooches out there- one love brothers.
One love for us all but… the time has come!
A time for action or no satisfaction!
Can you dig it?

The CROWD cheers, hoots and bellows loudly.

MONKEYMAN: Peckers! Give me a beat!

Twin WOODPECKERS beatbox together as the monkey raps.

MONKEYMAN: DIG IT. ALL MY BROTHERS AND MY SISTERS TOO
DO YOU HEAR ME REACHIING OUT TO YOU?

COWS MOO.

Oh yeah! Big up the Fresh Milk Crew!
THE TIME HAS COME IT’S THE TIME TO DO
IT’S SO RIPE FOR THE PICKING GET READY TO CHEW!
FILE YOUR HORNS TO A POINT SO STRONG
SHARPEN YOUR TEETH POLISH YOUR CLAWS
We march at dawn!

The crowd applauds and brightly coloured light flickers from O.S.

COW: A moo-vie?

MONKEYMAN: What?

COW 2: I love moo-vies.

MONKEYMAN: Bursting banana! It’s my worse nightmare come true. Everyone of them… escapist junkies. Wait you dumb oxen!

BULLMAN: Shut up four-eyes! You’re just a big old monkey man!

COW: I love moo-vies too. You know my all time favourite?

COW 2: Don’t tell me.

COW: Sound Of Music.

COW 2: You’re so predictable.

COW: It’s a trait of our breed.

MONKEYMAN: So is stupidity! Now don’t be distracted. Wait! This is how they win.

Loud music plays and the crowd dissipates.

COW 2: Did someone say free popcorn?

COW: I gotta get me some of that right now.

COW 2: Not until I get my fair share, Gilly Buttercup.

COW: Which will be after me, Goldy Buttercup~

BULLMAN: Outta my way you fat old moos!

He shoves them out of his way. A stampede begins.

MONKEYMAN: Stop! Wait! Don’t you see what’s happening?
You’re playing into their paws.
I told you not to drink the water… but who cares?
Only a big old monkey man.

He gets down from his soapbox, defeated. Only the twin Woodpeckers remain.

WOODPECKER: We don’t drink the water no more.

WOODPECKER 2: We heard you bro- Avoid the F factor. Can you dig it?

MONKEYMAN: Right kids. It’s what separates us from the rest of those
dumbed-down brutes. But what do I know?
I’m just a big old monkey-man.

HE SNIFFS.

Beat it kids. I smell bacon to the max.
But what do I know?

Woodpeckers exit.

MONKEYMAN: But what do I know?

Two PIGMEN in long trench coats creep up from behind.

MONKEYMAN: Will they ever listen to me? Actually hear what I say?

PIGMAN: Not likely you wanker.

A garrote is snagged around Monkeyman’s neck and yanked.

PIGMAN 2: Can you dig it?

Blackout.

END.