February 26 & 27: Jordan Hall

February 26 & 27: CPR Quartet, Part Two

Jordan Hall


Eloise, the gardener from plot C7
Eloise, Unredacted, a younger version of the same
Eloise, Internally Self-Censored, an older version of the same
News Reporter

CPR Quartet, Part Two: Eloise, Redacted

The railroad again. The gardens. The Gardener from C7, Eloise, is dismantling the gardens, carrying them offstage. Behind her, Eloise, Unredacted, and Eloise, Internally Self-Censored, argue about this.

Eloise, Unredacted: We should just set fire to the railroad tracks.

Eloise, Internally Self-Censored: No. That would be insane.

Eloise, Unredacted: Or pry up one of the ties so there’s a massive derailment.

Eloise, Internally Self-Censored: No. Also insane. Also murderous.

Eloise, Unredacted: Or spray paint: “There’s a special place in hell for the assholes who bulldoze gardens” across the side of that building over there.

Eloise, Internally Self-Censored: Less awful. But still no. People will just think we’re crazy. Also, we don’t believe in hell.

Eloise, Unredacted: But it would be nice if there was one, so that we could feel sure the railroad guys were going there. Along with misogynists, and racists, and homophobes, and anybody who makes more than $100,000 a year and thinks they deserve all that money. All those jerks are really lucky I can’t build them a hell.

Eloise, Internally Self-Censored: Yes they are.

News Reporter: (Speaking to Eloise as though the other two aren’t there.) Hi There, I’m with Global News. I’m wondering if you might know anything about an incident earlier-

Eloise, Unredacted: Oh god. He wants to talk about the stupid dog. Quick. Cheese it!

Eloise, Internally Self-Censored: Polite. Polite and in no way feeling guilty. Oh. And remember what Lucinda said about taking the right tone around the railroad.

Eloise: Do you mean CP’s plans to bulldoze the community gardens?

News Reporter: Oh, no- I mean, our viewers have known about that for awhile. Old news, y’know- but there was apparently an incident earlier today where one of the gardeners threatened to poison a dog-?

Eloise, Unredacted: Man. I was never going to poison the stupid dog. No matter how much the gene pool would have benefitted. I mean- when you look at the sort of ridiculous things we’ve twisted the DNA of a perfectly good dog into…

Eloise, Internally Self-Censored: Serpentine! Serpentine! Stay away from the dog! And you! Hush up. No one wants to hear your opinions on canine eugenics. People love their ugly dogs.

Eloise: I guess that’s human interest. I guess a railroad destroying 11 km of community gardens, some more than twenty years old, and some of the best remaining green space in the city is less important than some rich lady panicking about her dog.

News Reporter: So you did hear about the poisoning threat?

Eloise, Unredacted: We made the poisoning threat!

Eloise, Internally Self-Censored: No we didn’t. And even if we did it wasn’t a poisoning threat. It was more like a poisoning insinuation.

Eloise: No one threatened to poison anyone’s dog. Someone just pointed out that the railroad is going to use pesticides to clear the area.

News Reporter: So you’re asserting there was no threat.

Eloise, Internally Self-Censored: You shouldn’t have said anything about the pesticides. Lucinda doesn’t want us saying negative things about CP on TV!

Eloise, Unredacted: Screw that. I think we should sic ‘em!

Eloise: The only threat is the threat to the gardens.

News Reporter: But doesn’t CP own the land? What do you say to the accusations that you’re essentially squatters?

Eloise, Unredacted: They were given the land for a dollar so they could run trains! And now they want $100 million! That’s like a markup of- of- of- 100 million percent!

Eloise, Internally Self-Censored: Oh god. Don’t say that. Lucinda will literally die of a heart-attack and we will be to blame.

Eloise: Owning something doesn’t absolve you of responsibility to the community. It doesn’t make needless destruction acceptable.

News Reporter: Oh. Wow. That’s… So do you think it’s the stress of the situation with the railroad that led to the creation of the now notorious CPRap Video? Are you aware that the railway is thinking of suing that gardens for defamation?

Eloise, Unredacted: (Strangled Noise of Purse Frustration.)

Eloise, Internally Self-Censored: Oh no. No-no-no-no-no-no-no!

Eloise: Seriously? The goddamn rap video? You know what? Between the idiot with the dog and you, I think I prefer the railroad. At least they’re honest. They’re greedy bastards. They want their money, they’re going to bulldoze the community gardens. Go away. Come back when the bulldozers are here, if you can scrape together enough decency to care then.

News Reporter: Can I get your name? (Beat.) You’ll want to spell it out so we get it right.

Eloise ignores the reporter and keeps dismantling the gardens.