January 11 & 12: Jordan Hall

January 11 & 12: Totally Not a Problem

Jordan Hall

CHARACTERS:

GEORGIE
MALLORY

In the middle of the stage, an anthill. Georgie sits in front of it with a box of matches. Slowly, deliberately, he lights one and drops it in. A beat.

GEORGIE: Yeah. You like that, you little fuckers?

He lights another match, drops it in. He lights a third.

Mallory walks by. She sees him drop the third match in.

MALLORY: Uh… What are you doing?

GEORGIE: My best impersonation of an angry god?

Georgie drops in another match.

MALLORY: Okay. You need to stop doing that.

GEORGIE: Yeah… I really don’t.

MALLORY: You know that’s how serial killers start out. Torturing animals and stuff like that. (A beat. Georgie shrugs, drops in another match.) Did you seriously just shrug off being called a proto-serial killer?

GEORGIE: (With another shrug.) Seems reasonable. Serial killer’s on the right side of the power differential.

MALLORY: The power-? But they’re just ants. They just want to chew up leaves and bring like, leaf sludge back to their queen and their tiny ant babies-

GEORGIE: Larvae.

MALLORY: Whatever. The point being that you aren’t powerful just because you can be a dick to ants.

GEORGIE: Powerful to them.

MALLORY: Okay, so- how would you like it- if like- somebody threw flaming shit into your town and knocked down all the roads and killed your friends? For like- no good reason- like- because it made them feel like they had some tiny speck of power?

GEORGIE: People do that to other people all the time.

MALLORY: We do not.

GEORGIE: (Lighting match after match after match, tossing them in rapidly.) You think this isn’t what the jerks who shove me in lockers do? You think this isn’t / what the guys who run things think of us? Or if not us– all the poor slobs in Africa and Southeast Asia / where they’re pretty much hoping climate change is gonna solve overpopulation?

MALLORY: Stop. Stop it! Stop doing that!

She tries to take the matches away from him, but he’s too fast.

GEORGIE: Nice try, bleeding heart.

Beside them, the anthill suddenly moves.

Mallory jumps back. Georgie stands up, cautious.

MALLORY: See. It’s all fun and games until you get eaten alive by ants.

GEORGIE: They aren’t even that kind of ants.

The anthill moves again. Alarmingly. Both Georgie and Mallory jump back and scream. Then:

MALLORY: It was terrifying, officer. They just swarmed all over him like they knew, and once they were done there was nothing left but asshole bones.

GEORGIE: They aren’t that kind of- (slapping his leg) Ow!

MALLORY: Clearly. How’s that power differential working out for you now?

GEORGIE: You wanna see a- (slapping higher on his leg) Ow! Power differential- (slapping higher) Ow! I will show you- (even higher) Ow! A power differential-

He lumbers towards the anthill.

MALLORY: You can’t! They’re just defending themselves! They’re just-

Georgie starts smashing down the anthill. He kicks and stomps and writhes and smacks until there’s nothing but sand all over the stage.

Georgie looks over at Mallory, staring in horror.

GEORGIE: Was that supposed to matter? (He smacks himself again.)

END.