January 25 & 26: Shhhhhh……
NEB: National Energy Board man in suit
Onstage, Jack and Jill stand looking at a small gift (with fancy wrapping and a card) sitting on a table.
JACK: What is it?
JILL: A present, silly.
JACK: Special occasion?
JILL: Not that I know of.
JACK: Who’s it for? Me? You?
JILL (peeks at card): It says “To whom it may concern.”
JACK: We should have concerns?
JILL: There are always concerns.
JACK: Well, never mind that. Who’s it from?
JILL (opens the card): It’s from Kinder Morgan.
JACK: Kinder Morgan!? Energy, oil, pipelines… Is it a gas card?
JILL: You have an electric car, re…
NEB (rushes in, grabs the card and gift): Children! Children! Do NOT touch that!
JACK: We’re not children. I’m a grown man!
JILL: And just who are you? Are you Kinder Morgan?
NEB: No, no. I’m your National Energy Board. Here to look out for you. You can call me Neb, children.
JILL: I’m not a child.
NEB: But I was under the impression you needed…
JACK: We’d like Kinder Morgan’s gift. We have concerns.
NEB: You can’t open it now. You don’t need it yet. It’s for the future.
JILL: But we have concerns. And it says…
NEB (revealing a stamp on the gift): See right here, it says TOP SECRET.
JACK: But it’s here for us!
NEB (puts the gift behind his back): It’s not really here. It’s just a promise to appear.
JILL: A promise for WHAT to appear? Is it a magic act?
NEB: Oh my, no, not magic. It’s your emergency response plan.
JILL: What kind of emergency?!
NEB: Emergency is a poor choice of words. It’s in case of a… spill.
JACK: A Kinder Morgan spill?
Jack and Jill, alarmed, rush around, scan the audience suspiciously.
JILL: There’s a spill?! We’ll all be affected!
NEB: Relax. It’s just IN CASE of a spill.
Jack and Jill relax but remain wary.
JACK: What about prevention?
NEB: That’s a different matter.
JILL: Pipelines are a problem.
JACK: So are tankers.
JILL: A spill could be catastrophic.
NEB: It’s just in case…
JILL: But what about their history?
JACK: What about our present?
JILL: The present! I think we should open it up.
NEB: Not likely. Not unless…
JACK: I want to open it.
JILL: It is for us.
NEB (cradling the gift): Oh, let’s keep it a surprise.
JILL: It’s not very big.
JACK: Not impressive at all.
JILL: If it’s for emergencies…
NEB: Spills, Jill. Just little…
JACK: Never mind the size, shouldn’t we know what to do?
JILL: Shouldn’t somebody be sure we know?
JACK: Shouldn’t we all know?
NEB: Oh, somebody says they know.
JILL: Who’s somebody?
NEB: Kinder Morgan knows.
JACK: That’s it?
NEB: That’s good enough for me.
JACK: But the card said, “to whom it may concern.” That’s us.
Curtain down as NEB mutters on.
NEB: Think of it this way, what you don’t know needn’t concern you. Concentrate on other things… Selfies, Facebook, Twitter, puppies, science… oh, never mind that… kittens, sweaters, trending fashions, shoes, mileage, holidays…