January 9 & 10: Sean Devine

January 9 & 10: Idling on the Cheap

Sean Devine

CHARACTERS:

SEAN DEVINE
VOICE 1
VOICE 2

Idling on the Cheap

On video: SEAN DEVINE, driving inside his car. He’s obviously video-recording himself, from a camera phone likely mounted on his dash.

SEAN: Hi, Jordan. This is Sean Devine. How’s it going? I bet you weren’t expecting to get a video submission from me. But here it is. I’m going to try to write this play all on video, It’s going to be another political play, of course, and I think for this one I’m going to play some corrupt Minister of the Environment, or something. Although I kind of already did that.

He pulls into a parking lot.

SEAN: And yes, I’m recording this while driving inside a car. But it’s hands-free, so it’s all legal and ethical and all that. Hang on a sec.

He pulls up to a drive-thru window.

VOICE 1: Welcome to McDonalds. May I take your order, please?

SEAN: You’re working late, huh?

VOICE 1: May I take your order, please?

SEAN: Yeah. Can I get a McDouble, a Filet-o-Fish, a small fry, and a glass of water, please?

VOICE 1: That’ll be $5.87. Drive up to the next window, please.

He moves the vehicle forward.

SEAN: Jordan, could you do me a favor. When you get this video, could you edit out the part about me being at McDonald’s? It’s not that I go here often. Alright? It’s not as if you’re better than me. So, yeah. I moved here from Vancouver about 6 months ago. My wife and kids flew out here in advance of me, which was so expensive. Airfare is so expensive. Moving is so expensive, because of the fuel costs. But I didn’t fly with them. I rented a U-Haul and drove our stuff across the country myself. We saved about five thousand bucks in moving costs. I saw a mountain goat.

At the food service window, he gets his order.

VOICE 2: McDouble, Filet-o-Fish, and a small fry. $5.87.

SEAN gets the food order, and pays.

SEAN: Keep the change.

He starts to drive off.

SEAN: (back on camera) So anyways, as I was driving across the country with all of our stuff and saving all this money, I started to pay attention to how much the gas was costing me, you know? That was the X-factor when it came to how much I was saving, because the gas cost different prices in different provinces, and I wanted to save as much as — Hang on a sec.

He looks inside his order.

SEAN: They forgot my water. (beat) Dang. I’m quite thirsty. (beat) I’ll just go back around.

He drives back around the parking lot, to get back to the order window.

SEAN: (to camera, during) So I wanted to save as much on gas as I could, right? Cause it’s so expensive. And cost is important, right? And the environment. See, I normally don’t drive much.

He gets to the order window.

VOICE 1: Welcome to McDonalds. May I take your order, please?

SEAN: It’s me again. I commented earlier on how late you’re working.

VOICE 1: May I take your order?

SEAN: Yeah. I ordered the McDouble, the Filet-o-Fish, the small fry and the glass of water.

VOICE 1: Is there a problem?

SEAN: Yeah. I didn’t get the water.

VOICE 1: We didn’t give you the water?

SEAN: No.

VOICE 1: Did you pay for it?

SEAN: No, I didn’t order a bottle of water. I ordered a glass of water. It’s better for the environment. And they’re free, right?

VOICE 1: Drive to the next window, please.

SEAN: Thanks.

He moves the vehicle forward.

SEAN: (to the camera) See, I usually like to take the bus. I ride the bus a lot. I’m out in the suburbs. I do a lot of writing on the bus. That’s not altogether true. I’m usually on social media.

He gets to the order window.

VOICE 2: Are you the guy with the water?

SEAN: Yes. I mean, no. I’m the guy without the water. I’m water-less.

VOICE 2: What?

SEAN: Nothing. Yes, I’m the guy with the water.

VOICE 2: So you got your water?

SEAN: No, I didn’t. I didn’t get my water.

VOICE 2: Did you pay for it?

SEAN: I didn’t want the bottle. I just wanted a glass of water. It’s better for the environment.

VOICE 2: And it’s free.

SEAN: I didn’t know that.

He gets handed a glass of water. He drives off.

SEAN: (to camera) I’ve just never liked driving that much. I really like public transit. Or driving my bike. But whether I’m taking the bus or riding my bike — and, to be fair, I don’t ride my bike as much as I used to — it’s just a more meditative place to be than behind the wheel of a car, you know? And it’s better for the environment, obviously.

He parks the car. He opens the McDonald’s bag.

SEAN: And frankly, whether it’s public transit, or riding my bike – and to be brutally honest, I don’t bike — but those methods of transportation are just a lot cheaper.

He pulls his fries out of the bag.

SEAN: That’s funny. I thought I ordered a large fries. This is a small fries. (to camera) Did I order a large fries or a small fries? (beat) Cause I’m really quite hungry.

He reverses the car and drives back around the parking lot.

SEAN: I’m just going to go back. (to camera, during) You really can’t use this part of the video. It would be embarrassing.

He heads back into the drive-thru. He pulls up to the order window.

VOICE 1: Welcome to McDonalds. May I take your order, please?

SEAN: Hi, it’s me again. Can I get a large fry?

VOICE 1: Do I know you?

SEAN: Not personally, no.

VOICE 1: Are you the water guy?

SEAN: Yes.

VOICE 1: What’s wrong this time?

SEAN: Nothing.

VOICE 1: Then why are you back?

SEAN: Can I get a large fries?

VOICE 1: You already ordered fries.

SEAN: Yes.

VOICE 1: You ordered a small fries.

SEAN: Did I?

VOICE 1: Are you asking me?

SEAN: I thought I ordered a large fries.

VOICE 1: You ordered a small fries.

SEAN: Isn’t that funny.

VOICE 1: Did you come all the way back for that?

SEAN: I didn’t leave the parking lot. I was just sitting out there and noticed that the fries were small fries. I’m really quite hungry.

Pause.

VOICE 1: That’ll be $1.97. Next window.

SEAN: Thank you.

He moves the car forward.

SEAN: (to camera) Anyways, the point I was trying to make is that now that gas is so much cheaper, I mean, it’s so freaking cheap, it’s practically as cheap as taking public transit, so I can drive around and around and it’s like I’m barely spending any money at all.

He pulls up to the order window.

SEAN: And to be honest, the more I drive, the more I find it can be quite meditative.

VOICE 2: Large fries. $1.97.

SEAN: Thanks. (beat) Could I order another Filet-of-Fish off you? Or should I just drive around again?

END.