March 8 & 9: Valerie Laub

March 8 & 9: Land of Plenty, A Monologue

Valerie Laub



Land of Plenty

Speaker: Hey, guess what? I just bought a new car. Fantastic. Oh I got three other cars but this, this is luxury. Rides like a dream. Got it just for tootling around town. Size of a bus. See, it takes so long to find a parking space that I wanted something really comfortable, somewhere I can relax while I wait to park. And this baby — it’s got a whole living room. Plus a jacuzzi. Nice. Really nice.

Put a new bathroom in the house, too. 400,000 sq feet. Well, that includes the bedroom. It’s an en suite. Got an olympic size bathtub. Terrific. It does take a while to fill so I just keep it full and heated at all times.

Oh I know there’s all this palaver in the news about energy efficiency, but I tell ya, the real problem is all those people in developing countries wanting a standard of living. Wanting to eat. Wanting health care! Wanting clean drinking water! We certainly can’t afford that. Ridiculous. What about Nestle’s? What about the Coca Cola company? Good companies. Great companies. What will happen to them? Water is limited, you know. Energy is limited.

Those people: Chinese, Africans, Indians, they want to make changes. They have no sense of the dire straits the Earth is in. I mean, they’re used to lining up at water taps, going hungry. Kids dying. Suffering is normal over there. It’s not like here. Us, we suffer and we SUFFER. They don’t even notice. But they want to copy us. Be disastrous. Instead of complaining, those third world types ought to pray to get born over here next time round. Land of plenty.

Oh I know there are poor people here too but it’s no use whining. Get out there and get a job! Go in for oil production, build pipelines. Get a job in the car industry.

People keep talking about global warming. Ya da ya da. Green Energy. What the **** is Green Energy? Environmental terrorist propaganda. That’s what it is. Green whining. If countries are flooding cause glaciers are melting into the ocean well, you just got to stand tall and… um… swim. If you can’t swim then get some water wings. I’ve been thinking of investing in a company that makes water wings. Think it might be the wave of the future. Water wings — wave of the future. Get it? Yeah, global warming is the best thing that ever happened to this planet. Buying a new car — it’s my contribution to the economy, one of my many contributions to global warming. Ah, please, don’t thank me.