November 10 & 11: Kim Clark

November 10 & 11: Final Rehearsal

Kim Clark

CHARACTERS: Three aging musicians with long greasy hair. They’re dressed in shiny black body-suits.
M1: Lead singer/guitarist (with guitar)
M2: Bass player
M3: Percussionist with tambourine

Final Rehearsal

Onstage, three musicians (at their mics) warm up in rehearsal for their final tour. There’s a large poster on the wall reading:

THE BITUMEN: Frack-You Tour with Solar Power & Wind Turbine (tour dates)

ALL TOGETHER (SING): We are the Bitch-you-men,

M1 (SINGS): Your economic salvation…

Music stops.

M2: Dude…how can you forget the words?

M1: Sorry, man. I know. I know…

M2: It’s our frackin’ theme song.

M1: It’s just… I keep getting this bad feeling.

M2: No time for bad feelings. Just do it from memory.

M1: Seem to be havin’ a little trouble with the whole short-term thing.

M2: Pull yourself together. You been cokin’ it again?

M3: Never mind! Listen up! The tour starts in three days. We fly out tomorrow and we still don’t have it down. We gotta keep at it. From the top…

ALL TOGETHER (SING): We are the Bitch-you-men.

M1 (SINGS): We’re your short-term salvation…

Music stops.

M2: Dude!

M1: What’s even the point of this? Aren’t we like passé?

M3: We’ve got fans.

M2: They still love us!

M1: Yah, but…

M3: There’ll always be money in mainstream, man. Not everyone can afford to retire.

M1: We’re not a sell-out anymore.

M2: Reserves are alright.

M3: C’mon, enough. From the top…

M1: Who is THE TOP? That’s so confusing…

M3: Pull your sorry ass together, dude. Now… Hit it! 1-2-3-4…

ALL TOGETHER (SING): We are the Bitch-you-men,

M1 (SINGS): Your serpentine solicitation…

M1 AND M2: Dude!

M1: Sorry…sorry. (shakes head) You ever wonder what effect you had? Like on people? Their lives?

M3: Lighten up, bro.

M2: You’re so frackin’ thick sometimes.

M3: If you’re mainstream, nothing else matters…

M2: As long as the cheques keep coming.

M1: I feel so…like…crude.

M2: And that’s a problem?

M1: Thought we…our music would get more refined.

M3: How many times have I told you? In mainstream nothing matters…

M2: …But staying mainstream.

M1: I still got a bad feeling. Who’s opening for us? I don’t even know.

M2: A couple of alt bands…Solar Power and, uh, Wind Turbine.

M1: Whoa. You don’t see a problem there? A threat?

M2: What, a shiv in the back? Now, you’re getting paranoid. No more coking for you.

M3: They’re actually pretty cool folk. Just haven’t really broken into the whole scene yet.

M2: But we’re hot! 500 degrees hot.

M1 and M3 look at him like he’s slipped a cog.

M1: What if we’re only lukewarm? Maybe we need a new theme song…

M2: No way!

M3: New theme song…hmmm. Like “The Times, They are A-changing”?

M2: Been done. Look, we’re running out of time. Gotta ride this pony into the ground. Now…

M1: What about a new name? Something Kinder? Kinder-something?

M2: Bitch-you-men says it all! And we have to maintain! We have a frackin’ reputation to uphold!

M1: But I got a real bad feeling. Like I said…

M2: Shake it off, Bro. Just frackin’ play! 1-2-3-4…

ALL TOGETHER (SING): We are the Bitch-you-men…

M1 (SINGS in a slurred voice): Your ecological suffocation…

M3: Dude! The words! And you’re getting’ slurry.

M2 (SHAKES HEAD): You are so done…

M1: Maybe…But I won’t be goin’ down alone, mother-frackers. Nope, not goin’ down alone. I’m cancelling the tour. I’m not fit to play. My heart’s not in it. My voice, well…

M2: You can’t do that. Just quit. Not now.

M3: You can’t go back…

M2: Fans are depending on us.

M1: We’re past our prime. Face it. Some energetic kids (gestures to the poster)…some green band…is bound to make us look bad. Embarrass us. Best to bow out now.

They turn and examine the poster.

M2: It’d be the end of an era…

M3: We got nothing left to offer?

M1: Wisdom, man. Wisdom.

M1 scrawls CANCELLED across the poster. Lights down.