November 6 & 7: Adam Nashman

November 6 & 7: A Bad Dream with Camembert Bonbrie

Adam Nashman

CHARACTERS:

CAMEMBERT BONBRIE
MOOKIE
LUCY
DEN
TONY

A Bad Dream with Camembert Bonbrie

Camembert Bonbrie drags an enormous coffin-sized brown paper wrapped box into the open area of his luxurious downtown park-side condo.

CAMEMBERT (To himself): It’s a crime to carry the weight of what I did when I was out of my head; no one to help me; elevator out, four flights of stairs. Is this what normal people do? Day in day out dragging things and stuff up stairs? If they do it I can do it; and I believe that. I need a drink.

Camembert heads to his bar which is across from his spacious living area’s Juliet balcony. He makes a strong vodka drink and grabs a long, sharp bar knife.

CAMEMBERT (To audience): Vodka, no smell. Not that I mind the smell of booze, it’s other people’s noses that have issues. Looking at that box and not knowing what’s inside. It makes for cat killing curiosity. But I am no cat and the only thing that is going to kill Camembert Bonbrie is me, or this drink. Or trying to remember when I ordered this, from where, or why, or even what it could possibly be. A knife will cut open your mysteries my boxy friend.

Camembert’s door chime sounds.

CAMEMBERT (To door): Coming!

Camembert runs from his box with a knife in his hand, stops, runs to the bar, puts the knife down, runs to the door but stops, runs back, refills his drink and saunters to the door.

CAMEMBERT (To door): Coming!

As Camembert opens the door in rushes his manager, Mookie.

CAMEMBERT: It’s my manager Mookie.

MOOKIE: No time to talk Camembert, things have anything but cooled and that’s good in the long
run but bad right now. The prosecution has just named another three witnesses who intend to testify against you for your inappropriate conduct while you were in office; they are claiming you destroyed public files and the pipeline scandal is ablaze again.

CAMEMBERT: Why?

MOOKIE: More leaks; this time in lakes.

CAMEMBERT: Oh God, kill me now. Who is doing this to me?

MOOKIE: You’ve made a lot of enemies Camembert.

CAMEMBERT: And I’ve brought a lot of, what do they call it, love into people’s life. My performances,
you know Mookie, you remember how they loved me right? History will show this term was just as giving.

MOOKIE: Right. Do not care. Bad publicity is fine Camembert, just get ready to vacation for the
next five years.

CAMEMBERT: I’d rather die.

MOOKIE: What’s that?

CAMEMBERT: What’s what?

MOOKIE: That, that box.

CAMEMBERT: I don’t know.

MOOKIE: You got a box and you don’t know what’s in it?

CAMEMBERT: That’s right.

MOOKIE: And you went out to get it?

CAMEMBERT: No, the concierge buzzed, it was downstairs. Can you believe I had to drag it up the stairs?

MOOKIE: I know, your elevator ‘s out. For a multi-million dollar building you’d think.

CAMEMBERT: Yes, you’d think. (Pause) I must have bought it in a drunken stupor.

MOOKIE: Not even open.

CAMEMBERT: Can I get you a drink?

MOOKIE: Sure, mind if I help you open this thing.

CAMEMBERT (making drinks) No, please, do all the work. Here’s a knife; have at that cardboard beast; I guarantee there’s something sinister in there.

MOOKIE: Well, it seems you got a bunch of boards, all cut different, and some metal things to put
them together with. No idea?

CAMEMBERT: None, nothing. My memory has a convenient black screen that shields me from stupid
me things. It’s why I was elected; I projected it upon the public, my gigantic black screen.
(To himself) And now I’m paying the price.

MOOKIE: Need a logistics specialist here, or a team of diesel fitters or something my friend. Take
the knife back.

CAMEMBERT: We’re not friends; we’ve shaken on that.

Camembert’s door chime sounds.

CAMEMBERT (To Door): Coming!

Camembert runs towards the door with the knife in his hand, stops.

CAMEMBERT (To himself): This things dangerous.

Camembert runs to the bar, puts the knife down, runs to the door but stops, runs back, refills his drink, refills Mookie’s and saunters to the door.

CAMEMBERT (To Door): Coming!

As Camembert opens the door in rushes his estranged wife, The Fabulous Lucy Manchilde, who takes the drink from his hand.

CAMEMBERT: It’s my estranged wife, The Fabulous Lucy Manchilde.

LUCY: I’ll take that drink Bonbrie

CAMEMBERT: Why are you using my last name Lucy?

MOOKIE (Calling up to doorway): Is that The Fabulous Lucy Manchilde?

LUCY: Just Lucy please, Mookie. Someone standing here knows when to turn it off.

CAMEMBERT: Are you saying I leave it on?

LUCY: You have no off Camembert Bonbrie; and as charming as that was when we were first
married; your race down a tarnished road of botched celebrity and political scandal leaves a lady to prefer a flight to Paris alone.

CAMEMBERT: You know what’s so fascinating about you my love, my treasured pumpkin butt?

LUCY: Everything is.

CAMEMBERT: True, but I was referring to how when I was in my darkest hour; the entire population
turning on me; the police building their case; my dealer sending goons to my much better dressed goons; bridges collapsing, dams busting, floods and fires too, of course, obviously…. In my darkest hour I reached out to you Lucy, I needed you, I cried; yes; real tears; like I used to be able to do when I was an innocent out of acting school; and I reached for you Lucy, for you. But you were nowhere and I was alone.

LUCY: You sent me a text with an unhappy face and earlier that night I saw you and two interns
making your way into Club 96. Really, you cried?

CAMEMBERT: I did. And there was five interns but it’s okay because two were men.

LUCY (Seeing the box): Now what’s this new thing you bought and do I need one?

CAMEMBERT: No idea what it is; we’re trying to put it together now.

MOOKIE: He has no memory of ordering it.

LUCY: Where are the directions? Instructions? The guide? Look in the box; I’ll look in the box.
It’s here in the box.

CAMEMBERT: Does it say what it is?

LUCY: No, no writing at all. It’s full of those little pictogramms of the pieces with an asexual
gumdrop human putting them together. It says you need a knife to open the box.

CAMEMBERT (Picking up knife): How do they expect you to know that without opening the box first?

MOOKIE: Life’s full of little mysteries Camembert.

CAMEMBERT: And that bothers no one else?

LUCY: We’re busy building something darling. You should get out of your suit and try it
sometime; you know, actually build something? Yourself. With your hands.

MOOKIE: She’s right. You’d be less nervous.

CAMEMBERT: I’m agitated not nervous; my version of me comes from pain, not fear.

MOOKIE: Comforting to know the elected official and celebrity I represent has no positive
motivations.

LUCY: You make money from him.

MOOKIE: There was no sarcasm, I take great comfort in the train wreck that is Camembert Bonbrie.

CAMEMBERT: What are you doing here Mookie?

MOOKIE: Putting this thing together; well, laying out the pieces, and the hardware; all neatly
organized… (To Lucy) Can you make sense of the directions?

LUCY: Yes. No. I drifted off. My drink is empty.

CAMEMBERT: Allow me. (As Camembert takes her empty glass he addresses Mookie.) What I meant is why did you drop by? Why not call? Why are you here?

MOOKIE: I’ll answer those in order. Celebrity Fear Factor. I had your phone disconnected. I will
need to convince you to do celebrity fear factor.

CAMEMBERT: What? My phone? Never.

MOOKIE: Celebrity Fear Factor called me about four hours after you were, what are we calling it,
impeached? I will not have you calling your dealers or taking calls from the media, or surfing porn over the city’s wi-fi until your lawyers have told me it is safe to do so.

CAMEMBERT: That makes sense. And no, we are not calling it impeached…

MOOKIE: And to answer your final and coincidentally your first question; Celebrity Fear Factor is
your last best option at this point. It won’t shoot for 8 months, you are a natural in front of the camera; and they already are setting you up as the villain if you are in.

CAMEMBERT: Why the villain?

LUCY: Are you asking that Cam, really?

CAMEMBERT: Yes. You know I am not smart.

LUCY: I am a villain because I am more fabulous than regular people and they love to hate me.
You are a villain because you are a coward.

CAMEMBERT: I am not a coward.

LUCY: Prove it, do celebrity fear factor.

CAMEMBERT: I am not doing that.

LUCY: Coward.

CAMEMBERT: I’m not that.

LUCY: Who gave surface rights to the oil companies, who sold the wetlands, who Camembert,
who?

CAMEMBERT: You know it’s not that simple; I just give the people what they want; need money not
taxes, remember? They are the one’s who thrust that upon me, not me; if anyone is a coward it’s those that did nothing but elect me. I was playing a role, public servant.

LUCY: You were play ing a role? A villain’s role?

CAMEMBERT: If that’s what you need to call it; someone had to play it; it had to be done.

MOOKIE: You should be looking at those instructions Lucy; Cam can reinvent himself and leave all
this mess behind him for someone else to clean up.

CAMEMBERT: What mess? The only mess is what’s happened to my career, my ego and my liver.
Nature will take care of itself regardless the consequences to our little race.

Camembert’s door chimes sound.

CAMEMBERT (To door): Coming!

Camembert runs towards the door with the knife in his hand, stops and begins to run to the bar and slows.

CAMEMBERT (To himself): Running with a knife: bad.

Camembert puts the knife down on the bar, runs to the door but stops, runs back, refills everyone’s drinks and saunters to the door.

CAMEMBERT (To Door): Coming!

As Camembert opens the door and is confronted by his teenage friends, the brothers Tony and Den. All pretence is dropped as the friends embrace like gorillas.

DEN: Your spilling your drink there Cam.

CAMEMBERT: What are you two doing here? How did you find me?

TONY: So this is how the better half lives is it? You can have it Bonbrie my friend; I hate the
downtown. And parking? Forget it.

MOOKIE: And the elevator’s out.

DEN: There’s an elevator?

CAMEMBERT: We have guest parking.

TONY: Your phone’s dead. That the bar down there?

CAMEMBERT: Ya, make five.

TONY: Will do.

DEN: Good to see you, good to see you Cam and that’s the God’s honest truth. I believe
nothing they say about you, nothing.

CAMEMBERT: I know, right? Just trying to keep things afloat takes all my time.

DEN: We’ll be dead and gone long before people pay for those deals you made; I said you did
right for the living, and what’s the matter with that, hey?

CAMEMBERT: I wonder.

DEN: There you go being contrary; you’ve always been contrary.

CAMEMBERT: Maybe that was the problem; I lost that. (To everyone) This is Den and Tony; friends, old friends; teenage friends.

LUCY: Really dear? And you had us all convince you were born as a fully formed man.

CAMEMBERT: Boys, this is my manager Mookie and that is Lucy.

TONY: In the flesh it is. You think I’m impressed by a celebrity? I’m not; I’m just as important
as you Lady and I heard what you did to my friend here so understand that.

LUCY: Tony right?

TONY: Yes.

LUCY: You good with directions; instructions?

TONY: I wrote the book on them all my life with nothing but my mind and wits. Noticed you had a little something going on there. Give ‘em here.

MOOKIE: He ordered it and has no idea what it is.

DEN: That’s Cam; you were drunk boy, when you ordered?

CAMEMBERT: No doubt. Or high. The last few weeks Den, the last few weeks were insane.

DEN: Like the old days, always in search of the next adrenaline high, no matter what the cost.

TONY: “No matter what the cost”.

CAMEMBERT (sadly): “No matter what the cost”.

TONY: I’ll tell you what you got a six sized polygone here with a bottom and hinged top.
Question is what poly gone where?

MOOKIE: So what about it Camembert, can I give them a tentative yes.

CAMEMBERT: No.

LUCY: You’ve said yes to such worse things darling; things that kill people, destroy our world –
there is nothing to fear about Fear Factor.

CAMEMBERT: It’s shameful and you know it.

DEN: Nothing shameful about watching that boy, good show, lots of laughs.

TONY: Lol.

DEN: Lol.

CAMEMBERT: They want me to do it.

DEN: Oh hell, do it.

TONY: For sure do it, what you scared Bonbrie?

CAMEMBERT: No, this is like a nightmare, I am not scared. Why do you all think that; what are you all
doing here?

MOOKIE: Putting this thing together for you.

CAMEMBERT: Leave it, leave it; just stop.

TONY: Far too late now Bonbrie; almost done here.

MOOKIE: Those were my instructions when I first signed you: “Keep my hands clean from doing
the unpleasant things”.

CAMEMBERT: Lucy, you never told me, what are you doing here?

LUCY: I want to see this, that is how much I hate you darling, and what you’ve done.

CAMEMBERT: You think me a coward? Really?

LUCY: Only a coward would bow to rich and let them mortgage our children’s future. Not that I
ever gave you children; thank God; spare the unborn the shame of their father’s guilt.

CAMEMBERT: Coward? All eyes towards the bar if will.

Camembert holds up his knife.

CAMEMBERT: I am going to do the knife between the fingers thing.

MOOKIE: No Cam, you’re not; how many drinks you had since you’ve been home.

CAMEMBERT: Several; but my senses are sharp enough for this; I cut myself who cares; just proves my
point more.

TONY: Buddy, put the knife down.

CAMEMBERT: Why Tony?

TONY: I reckon you not be liking what you ordered here and I think holding a drink is more
appropriate than a knife.

LUCY: He’s speaking gospel darling, put the knife down.

CAMEMBERT: What’s the matter with you all. Get out! All of you, just get out of my home, it’s the
only place I have left to myself!

DEN: Well that’s not entirely true is it now.

TONY: Shut it Den.

DEN: Sorry Tony.

Camembert approaches the group with the knife menacingly, as they block what they’ve built from his view.

CAMEMBERT: Away! Away I say! All of you; out; away from there.

MOOKIE: It’s his right to know.

LUCY: I’m out of here, he’s crazy with that knife.

CAMEMBERT: I am not crazy!

The group immediately disperses away towards the door revealing a fully assembled do-it- yourself-coffin kit.

CAMEMBERT (To himself): I’m crazy. (To audience) What are you all staring at anyway! (To group) And here is exactly what I think of all of you…

As Camembert turns while walking towards the group he trips over and into the coffin, stabbing himself in the process.

The group by the door is in shock.

TONY: This presents a grave situation.

DEN: Not the time for wordplay Tone, not the time. Just wait for it.

BLACKOUT.

END.